Hey girl,

I see you there – starting every day like a peasant.  Grabbing a morning muffin and a coffee like it’s your job…on the way to your actual job.  Which you hate. Almost as much as you hate yourself. Which is fair. If I were a slave to scones, I’d hate myself too.

But it doesn’t have to be like this, girl.  You can get your fucking life together.  You can wake up every morning knowing that you are the best version that your fine-ass self could possibly fucking be.  When you walk down the street, everyone will know that you are someone to be admired.  That life is yours for the taking. That you are not to be trifled with.

Chewing is for chumps, you know that?  Chewing says to the world, “I’m just grazing my way through life…not unlike a goddam cow”. It’s weak and, let’s face it, most people look terrible when they chew.  When you sip, you say to the world, “I am a lady who sips”.  And that’s a bold statement, my friend.  The kind of statement that ends a conversation…and the end is the best part of the conversation, girl.

Stick with me, and everyone will see the nutrition written all over your face.  They will know that you are starting your day with the right kind of calories – and that you KNOW that you’re starting your day with the right kind of calories.  You are activating ALL of your sexiest enzymes, and no matter what you eat for the rest of the day, you’re taking in all of the vitamins and minerals that you deserve in the world.  Those other girls – the sluggish-looking ones who are one terrible decision away from velcro shoes – they look upon you with envy. You, who always has a hand free to greet the people – or even to shake your fist at the injustices that you witness in the street. That free hand right there? That free hand is going to take you places.

And don’t even talk to me about motherfucking fibre. I can help you know more fibre in one day than most people know in an entire weekend.

That’s just the power of the smoothie, girl.  Everybody knows it.  Pay up or give up.  I don’t even know why you’re wasting your time with those bran bastards.  We both know I’ve got the daily satisfaction you crave.   We could even mix it up every once in a while – throw in some kale and just see what happens. Whatever flavour combination lights up your taste buds – just because you need a straw doesn’t mean I have to suck.

If you want to overcome that daily grind, girl, all you got to do is blend.

One comment

  1. I was waiting for that very end when you finally used the word “suck”. FINALLY! You know how to make a girl wait for the finale eh…eh?! *so many sexual innuendos.

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